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16 December 2008 @ 09:17 pm

I thought I coppied the whoe thing but before this is just him being stupid and us talking about majors, him trying to convince me not to move to UA, and him saying some stupid Life this Life that philosophy. This is where the good stuff starts anyways.

BTW: he talked to me first. I dont start shit, but fuck if I dont FINISH IT!


I don't think this is a conversation


but i'd be happy to have one of those with you



oh well pardon me. when did we start having an argumnt. next time maybe there should be a bell or something to let me know. What makes this an argument and not a conversation exactly?



I don't think this is a conversation

but i'd be happy to have one of those with you



oh well pardon me. when did we start having an argumnt. next time maybe there should be a bell or something to let me know. What makes this an argument and not a conversation exactly?

normally i love being like that

but alas I am tired



Well acually I remember you saying that to everyone when I met you so then it would be first hand speach not hearsay.

and i'm glad I can sound like the profession I am after. after all these years of mock trial I'm glad I've got the tone down even in messages.

but bye if you are so tired. wouldnt

want the argument to be unfair on my part.



Why did you wait so long to friend me on facebook? If you can so vividly remember my words?

especially when shannon and I are having a rough time, seems like ill timing on your part. A lawyer always knows to stay out of those situations

... not very profitable



sorry lost my connection for a moment



no prob

I was worried I scared you off



and what are you accusing me of exactly?



well shannon said you guys were

"messing around with me"




in what way? how could befriending you be messing with you. I saw that you were concerned when I added you and honestly I didn't understand why you would be so upset.



If you'd been through what shannon and I have been through

I feel you'd be more questioning of motives too



and saying you and shannon are having a rough time is an understatement wouldn't you say? More so if you are looking for motive of contacting you while you having a rough time would you not agree to keep your friends close and the people messing with your best friend closer?



i'm messing with your best friend huh?

or did i read that wrong

i can't tell if your referencing what i wrote about uou guys messing wwith me



yes I would definitly say you are messing with my best friend. what would you call it? and adding you was not to "mess" with you in whatever way you want to think we could mess with you. Adding you was to simply be able to say, be careful what you do to my friend.



You're friend had an outburst in our class today

and a few people came up to me and asked what i did to her

You're friend has made more public displays then I can count

You're friend had defriended me

asked her friends to de friend me

and then came back and said she wants to try things again

it takes two to tango

Let me know when you grow up and realize that there are always two people

and they are always to some degree both at fault for a situation



yes i do realize there are too dont act like you are so old and wise. But what you dont see I guess is that I am not affect by your words as I suppose so many people in your life are.



I don't know what you're getting at

but i'm trying to put this all behind me

I think it's besst for all parties involved

and you telling me to be careful

doesn't really help



Then I suggest that you do just that. and leave shannon alone altogether



can you leave our affairs to us please?



No. that's not what friends do. maybe

thats what you do to your friends but not me.



Do I need to request a restraining order then? Because what I just got from that is that you won't respect my privacy or my rights



Ha. you are lucky tha I respect shannon and her wishes for me to stop talking to you.

so just remember to leave her alone now



Fuck off

yeah i just swore

i don't care

you crossed the line

you rude little twit



crossed what line? huh? what line?



being really mean

and disrespectful to me

treating me like i'm below you

when we're clearly both humans

please stop being overly protective

you'll only hurt shannon more

plus your being hurtful to me

and I don't think you really want to do taht

even though you

're pissed right now



like I said I'm going to stop talking to you becauseshannon wants me too so

obviously I respect my friend. I never belittled you as if you were under me, you are too snsitive. now I've said my peace and I'm finished now. I believe you were tired before, so good night.





Current Mood: cynicalcynical
15 May 2008 @ 01:44 am

so I instently regret sending this, but  i needed that friend and I feel like he's the only one. Everyone needs that buligerant cry every once in a while right. That so deep it hrts on the inside cry. I've been holding mine in for a long time. but this one doesnt feel good. it feels tanted and gross. I want to just hate him so bad but all it comes out as is love. 

so I promised that I wouldn't do this all year and I really have been think that I was ok, and feeling happy and just fine. But I'm not. and normally you get this kind of message when I'm drunk, but I sware I haven't had anything at all. I'm just over whelmed. I didn't want to bother you with all this thats going on here, and i just need a friend and theres no one here. It sucks and its not fair that I just message you when I'm feeling lowsy and I can't talk to anyone. That should be a big red flag saying shut up semene.

But honestly I've been cry for an hour now and its not feeling any better. I sware I havn't felt this bad in like years. Nothings hurt this bad is long.

**he**'s just been really horrible to me lately. all that stuff that was going on I just dropped it and was like hell with it. My uncle passed and that day I was just like its stupid everything going on and I just want him there in my life. just that big brother thats always protecting me and loving me when no one else does. I wanted that back so bad.

I love tony and kim and zach and richard, but their just......Not him. and in all honesty your after him, and you've been so far and...... Well I just dont want to bug you at all. I don't want to be "that" person any more. the "emotional" wreck that I know has really strained our friendship. But he's being so mean. I dont know how to deal with it. just some random person being normally mean I can deal with, its just like fuck you. But **he**'s....my **he**. I care what think about me, and my life.

I've been taking so much crap from him this year. just ignoring it and not saying anything and just taking it. It's so much worst not that he's split from **he**nie. He feels like everythings a threat to his freedom so something. He gets so pissed off at anything you say joking or not. He's always going off on me or telling me off in front of everyone. He points out everything that's wrong with me with a pointing laughing finger. Every flaw. And I've been really happy with myself this year. I feel like I'm a good person for once and likeing who I am. And I know that I'm a good person but he talks to me like I'm a whore; like some really god awful person. It's like if my brother thinks that then...well how good of a person can I really be.

and right now at this moment I dont feel like a good person. I feel like a bitch b/c I'm complaining about all this to you right before you come home and suring your finals. And god why do you even need to know or care about this.

He's just driven me so far. and I've just been taking it, not saying anything, tip toeing so not to give him a reason. I've just been letting it go and letting it go. it's not even that breaking point, I've fallen off the edge and been broken for weeks now and still been not saying anything to anyone b/c i dont want them to feel like they have to choice between us. but tonight the minute everyone got out of my car I just lost it and I was crying so much I pulled over. I was only with him for like half an hour and he was just so mean. He kept snapping at me infront of kim and her b/f and tony. Then he just went off and yelled at me with tony there. and he was talking about my mom. and...I know she's not the warmes mom, but she's my mom. and he has no right to judge her.

He's just made me into suck a pushover. I've been working my ass off this year. between work and school and home and building this new house, and taking care of my dad who's still not better and my mom whos working herself sick. I still kicked ass. and I'm proud of that. I did that. I pulled off a 3.0, and I kept working. he got kicked out of school twice failed all the same classes twice and got fired like three times. who is he to judge me. I'm a good person.

God I'm so sorry for this. I feel horrible I really do. This is the last you'll hear about any of this I promise. Everything will look better and happy in the morning, filled with sunshine and dasies. =D I don't feel like I need to say this but I will, all this is just between us. I love you.

Love Semene

Current Location: In bed
Current Mood: sadsad
27 October 2006 @ 10:09 pm
I'm in Yuma on my PSP with wirless internet. how kick ass is this, woot woot!
19 September 2006 @ 10:32 pm
Everythings all crazy, once again. The thing I'm really bad and a little worried about is Bethaniel. She's my best friend; we've litterally done everything together for the longest time now. But now i feel like she not around any more. It started with her whole mono and then it was b/c me and her hubby were having a rift, after that it was the thing we dont talk about, now theres nothing. Me and her B/F are cool, kind of, and theres nothing except that she has no time for me, or at least thats what i feel like. I went to her moms softball game the other night and i felt totaly insignificant. I get there and like not even 5 min later her hubby starts walking away. it just so happeneds that he started to leave that second i pulled her away to go get some food with me. it was like he was throughing a fit. so obviouly she went running after him leaving me standing dumb founded all alone. so i went and stood my her mom and was joking and laughing. I dont like to say anything bad about Phil (her B/F) to her mom b/c she already hates him. her mom say that i was a little hurt and called her asking were she was, after 2 calls and like 15 min they finally came back over. I just stayed with mom though b/c she made no effort to include me. her mom asked if they were being rude to me, and even though they were, i said no. after a little longer phil called me saying i could go back and hang with them i just strugged it off like nothing. then i called Role b/c i felt lift out and just ostrasized. I think Bethaniel even got made at me for that too. like she was annoyed that i was on the phone. and i hate how he's always all over her. No matter were or who we're with. at Johnny careno's with her mom and brother he was all over her. Its like give it a break. i know her mom doesnt like it and hell i get uncomfortable around them. its just like she has no time for me at all. if i call either shes with him, on the phone with him, he's answering her phone or she just doesnt want to talk. then the one weekend when he was gone, and we were supposed to hang out the whole time; she didnt want to do anything. she said she had a bad back, then when i dragged her out of bed and took her to the football game she was all grumpy. I was the one who should have been grumpy! SHIT LEWIE ENDED UP THERE WITH HIS DAD! I want to say something but i'm kinda scared. the first day she got back from yearbook camp, the first day she saw me since we had broken up and that day she thorugh it in my face that she had a b/f and i didn't any more. I feel like if i say something shes just gonna say i'm jelouse that her and phil are still together and my and lewie arnt. whatever though! i need to say something. even if she does say something like that i know its not true and it wont change anything cuz i dont talk to her at all anyways. DAMN IT! we're supposed to live together after high school, and now i'm making plans to go to NAU and get an apartment with Role? i love being frineds with Role she's a really great frined, but its still bethaniel. We just have those years and experiences. I'm scared that those experiences are ending. That there's gonna be nothing for us to write in each others sr. year books, when really there should be the most of all years. =`( I'm sad.
Current Location: Friendlessville
Current Mood: crushedWe're not what we were
Current Music: Sad music
17 September 2006 @ 08:56 pm

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11 September 2006 @ 07:43 pm
So just got done talking to my Jak Jak. And I have to say I dont know what the hell is up with us. I really can't read him no matter what. there just isn't any reading him. Whatever it is I like it. I like where we are now, and where we've come from. I feel like everything we went through, all the ups and downs and crazy roller coasters of our freind/relationship was all worth it for we are were we are now. Here's our last conversation. Ignor all the perverted stupidity, since that is just us. I really do love him, now I must figure out how. If bethaniel was right about Johnny being a finger in the picture, then I start to think maybe Lewie is a finger in the picture, but I still love and want to be with Lewie. I think thats whats in the way of me reading Jak Jak and me reading my own feelings about him.
Current Mood: crazyover LOVE
Current Music: Hungry eyes-dirty dancing
03 September 2006 @ 07:42 pm
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
Current Music: Kal Ho Naa Ho
28 August 2006 @ 10:23 pm
I hate how time is a line that never bends. It simply continues in one direction forever never touching any part of its self again. Yet life is a circle. You leave on part behind only to meet it at another place. I dont know how much my heart can take; how much more. If theres one thing I didn't think I'd survive it was that Shophmore love.  I didn't think my heart would heal, no matter how much i said it was. Then it finally was all better, and I was in love with someone who loved me back, and for the first time loved me more that I loved them. Thats a crazy concept to rape your mind around. Now that love ended, and I felt like it would never heal. This one hurt SO bad, and it still does, but then life took a full circle again. Now I'm stuck. Everyone around me thinks that my destiny is with my first love; everyone seems to think that we've always been perfect and always will be perfect. He was perfect. He was that perfect guy that I wanted so much, because he was perfect. If I had to make perfection it would have been him. Then "Lewie" came in and I found a new perfection. Not any more or less, just a different side of perfect. They both were and still are to me the apitamy of perfection. So now I'm stuck between this. For one thing I cant even be with "Lewie" any more, and I dont even know 100% if Sophmore guy is feeling what I am again. I dont even know what it is I'm feeling. That night, that "Move" I guess you'd call it, we've done that after our infactuation stage and it was nothing, to either of us. Somehting was different about that night, that time. Something sparked, something was reserected I think and I dont know if I can handle it. I haven't had those butterflying, bone trembling, nerve wraking feelings from him in over a year, but what got me even more, was that I felt the same feelings comeing from him. He was just as nervous and scared and confused as me. Way back when he was the one to fist do it, and that night he was that one again. I dont know what I want. I still love "Lewie" with much of my heart, but its been one day shy of a month now, and Saturday was the first night that I didn't cry for not being with him, I cried for so many different reasons, they still had to do with him, but not the same tears as the other 28 days before. WOW! there really hasn't been one full day in the last month I haven't cried once over him. There are very few days that I didn't cry more than once, and in mid day. There was somethign about that day. so many things reminded me of "Lewie" yet I didn't cry once, it was as if any time I wanted or was going to HE did something and it all left me; all the tears, all the sadness. HE always does that. I love him for that, I really do love him, I just dont know how right now.
Current Mood: drunkWith Love
Current Music: Now 22
13 August 2006 @ 12:26 am
so its 12:45 in the morning and I've been to 4 practices, and they were worst than I thought. Day one, he ended up there with his DAD and little brother. He said hi when he walked in, Dad gave me the coldest look from hell. as the day went on we didn't talk to each other at ALL. He talked to everyone else, messed with everyone else, but nothing to me. I got a hi and then a nod, and a few stares and that was it. Like i told him over the summer, I dont care if he was to hug, and talk and joke with other girls, I do it with Mikhail and Stephan and Larry and everyone all the time. But now that we're not together i cant help being jelouse. I mean i dont want to be, but when i'm completely ignored and SUMMER OF ALL PEOPLE has more of his attention than me, I'm jelouse. The thing with it is that I know that he cant date and that we cant be together, and that we were together and everything that happened, but i dont think anyone on that team does. I know Allisa probably does, but she hasnt been there to swim, and all the last year freshman girls like SUMMER and SAM and CHELSEA (not you chels.) they dont know that we dated, that he cant date, that we still want to be together, and everything that happened. Knowing all this I know not to flirt and all that because he cant be with anyone, and b/c its too hard for both of us. But monday made me realize again that last year I fell for one of the most liked guys on the team. All the girls fight for his attention and I KNOW that most of them would die to date him. Since they know nothing it doesn't stop them from flirting and being all over him. and now, I have no say, or voice or anything in the matter. I just have to sit by and watch. I catch his eye once in a while and i just look away, try to "play it cool" most of the time i just try not to look at all. But i cant. the i thought "ok. day one sucked so much that day two could only get better." but of course all my hopes were crushed. I have his best friend in JROTC 7th hour (hes a 3rd year) and i know he knows what happened b/c he use to call me one Miwand's phone all the time and joke around. it was funny. On tuesday I found that his BF was joing swim too. so not only is it wierd in JROTC, but then when i get to practice thursday he sees me and just keeps giving me these sad, sympathetic looks. like he wants to come and say something but cant so he just looks at me like AW! I'm Sorry! so im like great, i have to deal with not only him, but his little brother who knows everything since he would call me on the phone too, but his BF who did the same. luckally the swimmers are pritty seperated from the divers for practice, so all i have to do is try and block out Miawands loud smart ass vioce that you can hear every three min. I can do that. But then doing my last few laps of the day, guess who would show up. yes the final brother Helmen, who is also the one whos been talking to joel about us the whole summer, and who knows everything, and who gives me the worst looks of sympathy every. I was on my last on and of course he was going to talk to the swimmers, but the new diver would have to know him so well and have to hug him and talk and all that right IN FRONT OF ME AND THE STEPS I HAVE TO USE TO GET OUT OF THE POOL. by my was legnth of my last lap i get tired so i do what i believe is a brest stroke (AKA Helmen/Miawands signiture swim-no conection i promis; its the frog swim, easy one.) so of course while talking to the new diver, he's just stareing at me. finally i get to the edge, just kinda look at him and get out. the whole time he's looking like he wants to say something but nothing comes out; just a aww, sorry, are you ok, dont be suicidal, look. If theres a look i hate more tahn the one from is BF its the one from his older brother. Finally i just walked passed not looking at anything but my feet, and grabbed my stuff before i nearly fell over in tears. I sat by my car doubled over for a few min in tears, but once i heard, practice over i got in my car and left, but of course not fast enough to dodge the whats wrong, why are you still here after all this time look from his brother. then friday i missed most of practice for my pysical. by the time i got there there was nothing going on. it was like 15 til 5 and of course when i walk in all the swimmers are scattered around the boards messing around. I find Ben sitting on the bench laughing so i go and sit and talk to him only to then (after my but is on the bench and I've said hi to Ben, making it impossible to just walk on by and leave) i see Miawand right at my foot sitting on the edge of the pool. he turned and i just didn't look down and kept saying random things to Ben. He finally got up, said somehting to ben then looked at me and said something on the lines of a greating and walked off. Ben was leaving so i followed out only to find helmen once again there picking them up. He would be parked right in the way of the parking lot and me talking to ben who had to say hi to him was forced to make the slightest acknowledgement. finally i got in my sisters car and speed off as fast as i could. Then there was saturdays practice. I get in start streching and think that i through a towel in my car so i go to look and of course run into him. just walked by; didn't ahve a towel, and then finished streching found ben and started laps. learnt a better way to free style, but my cough sucks, after every 25 i have to stop from it. need to get rid of it quick or i think the head couch will pull me untill i get clearence from my doctor. Diving was really good today. i accomplished a lot and over came some more. But i swar it was like every five min. he was comeing over to get something from the utility box.( this is right behind the boards) and out of those times he would have to say something to ben at least every other time, as for the other times, ben would way someting. I just tried to not look, not speek, not nthing. lol i dont know what he was doing though cuz he grabbed a pair of flippers everytime, he had to have collected like 7 through all of practice. What really sucked about today was that friday i was like this is crazy and stupid and weak. we said we wanted to be friends and i really do wasnt to be his friend. given that we weren't very buddy buddy before the summer, but we still hung out here and there, talked on the bu rides and at school. i mean we went to prom as frineds. I just want to be his friend. So i made up my mind that i was going to talk to him at sats practice. I was going to pull him aside before or after and tell him that this was crazy what we were donig, that no matter what happened over the summer we should still be friends no matter what and that it was stupid for us to be ignoring each other. if nothing we could still be good friends. sometimes the greatest of frinds come from EXs and crushes that dont work, like mikhail and dylan. Then sat came and i just was horrible. the night right before that was horrible. i went and watched step up, great movie, but a love movie, that had a lot of couples going to see it. It sucked and i thought how much i missed him still. So by sat practice i was total chicken and didnt do it. now i want to again. i know that i should i just dont know what to really say. I kinda wish he would just talk to me in any way. just some kind of a conversation. SOMETHING! I miss him a lot. I think if maybe we could be friends that i wouldn't miss him as much. I dont know. All i know is Mikhail and larry better join and be there on monday like mikhail said. I dont know if mikhail knows what happened. I'd think stephan would have said something but then again i dont see why he would. I kinda want to talk to mikhail about it. tell him whats up and how im feeling and all that. After everytheing Mikhail is a great firend and to this day he doesn't like to see me in real pain, Just like I dont like to see him in real pain. like back in Feb. this whole thing was happening and i ended up taking him home from this place. he was sad over Veronica and I had just gone through the barrial of Frankie, so i wasn't doing good my self. First he gave me a hug knowing what was going on while everyone else that was in the car was partying, then after everyone left and it was just us, i tried to help with his pain. I know already I'm going to need help with this whole season and everything, i will. and i know if i seriousely talked to mikhail that he'd keep me from it all, him and larry. I just a few friends right now, a few at practice. some that i can escape with, talk with, be with. other wise what am i gonna do on bus rides, and at meets. I cant just hang out with Ben ALL THE DAMN TIME, and even if i did he talks to miawand all the time anyways. I wish dyland would come back to diving. :( the pear just started and Im all ready crying. I love school, i love to dive. to feel the water, to jump and fall and have nothing on your mind while theres nothing under your feet for those few moments of bliss. its what ikinda imagin heaven would be like. Plain happiness, free from everything. from the moment i leave the board to the moment i come back up for air, i think of nothing, and i'm just truly happy. sometimes if my dive sucks then its when i touch the water, but everytime i leave the bord i have some time of bliss and hapiness. if i could only bottle that feeling and keep it forever. That would be true heaven i guess.
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
Current Music: my inspirational playlist
02 August 2006 @ 11:12 pm
So it's better, but still not ok. I've reached the stag where not many tears can come out now. Its like theres just no more in me to cry. So enter I into the world of rage and hate. NOT GOOD. Whenever I'm here bad things happen. I'm fighting all those evil demons that are trying to surface. I'm trying everything to get controle,, but all i want is to spin out and let lose of all ties. Just to be crazy for a while and not care. I can't. I can never. And I feel... I feel like i miss him too much. Like Like theres something missing, something thats not right with me not being with him. I'm almost 18 now i need to deal with this. I'm not a kid any more. I"M NOT! Stop being so childish. Just stop. I was reading one of mine and bethany's old note books from school and there was some stuff in there about my whole crush on him. It was filled with old dreams i had about him to the debat of asking him to PROM. I dont know what i really wish; to have never asked him, since that kinda lead to us dating or to never forget the time we've had. I want to say that I am glad to have Loved and lost, but at the same time I kinda want to say that I wish I never Loved at all. There are so many stories. It was just two months, but I have more stories about him than any of the other guys. God ITS JUST HIGH SCHOOL DATING ITS JUST HIGH SCHOOL DATING ITS JUST HIGH SCHOOL DATING ITS JUST HIGH SCHOOL DATING ITS JUST HIGH SCHOOL DATING ITS JUST HIGH SCHOOL DATING ITS JUST HIGH SCHOOL DATING
Why cant i bring my self to let this go. Its not cloudy outside tonight. That scares me. PROM clear skys, night he asked me out clear skys, first date clear skys. Ever since we broke up there has been clouds and no stars. I somewhat want to believe that tonight everything will be ok. That he'll call, or that I'll just know that everythings going to be ok. THIS IS STUPID. I miss MIMI. she alwasy had the answers. all of. and I always had the questions. Now what. I still have all the questions, but no one to answer them. What do I do now. i've never had my heart broken this bad. and the worst of it is that... I can deal with having to get over something when theres no hope, nothing. But this is filled with hope, with confusion, and still with fellings. this was supposed to be the best year. A perfect year! First. I've never been to homecoming or the winter ball. and Morp only once with a sort of date, but it all went to hell anyways that night. me and Bethany were all, "We have to go to all the dances" b/c we haven't been to any of tham and its Sr. year and we need to. Then swim was going to be a blast. Just fun all around. Now i dont even know if i'm going to go back for the whole time. Im going to try a week and see. just everything was going great, looking great, was great. I miss him. everything about him. the way he walways made me laugh and smile. The way i was just perfect in his eyes. How he felt as if I was some great thing that he had. Why'd this have to be the one thing to be taken from me? Why this? He just believed in me, in everything I did and wanted to do. Everything. Its day four, night five... when is all the pain going to go away? when am I going to able to smile and not stop. When am I going to stop crying. I've already started on a new book. If I wrote Black Boxes on "THAT" whole thing, I cant imagin what i can do with this. I need to get over this. I need to stop being so pathetic. This isn't like me. I've delt with pain all my life. Pain is no stranger to me. I should have known when everything was perfect that it couldnt last. it never does. it never can. Happiness to me comes in the small gaps between my sorrow.  My hearts been hurt before, so many times. its been broken asn stepped on. but this time its like its not broken or shadered, its like its being squeezed. I just wish i knew what he was thinking, what hes feeling and doing.  I need happiness and i need closure, but more than anything i need him. right now. with me. I need a hug for him. Just know that everythings ok. that someday I'll be happy again ands o will he.  
Current Mood: sadfor us both
Current Music: James Blunt Goodby my Lover